There’s a silent contract we make when we exclude someone who once mattered deeply—whether it’s a parent, a partner, or someone who shaped our lives. We think we’ve shut the door. Moved on. But the soul doesn’t work that way.
What’s pushed out of sight doesn’t disappear—it gets passed down, acted out, or turned inward. And the price we pay is often guilt. Quiet, buried guilt that bleeds into the corners of our life until we’re left wondering why love feels distant, success feels blocked, or life itself feels like a struggle.
In Family Constellations, we say: what is excluded will find a way back in. Not always directly, but often through sabotage, illness, failed relationships, or a deep sense of “I’m not allowed to have this.” This is especially true when the exclusion comes from unresolved pain with our mother or father.
When we reject our mother, we don’t just cut ourselves off from a person—we often cut off our ability to receive love, support, nourishment, and abundance. Mother is the flow of life itself. And if we carry the belief, “She didn’t give me what I needed,” we unconsciously replicate the same pattern with others. We attract partners who are emotionally unavailable. We feel undeserving. We sabotage good things before they can take root. So, we must find ways to heal this on a deep soul level.
When we reject our father, the wound goes deep into our relationship with life and power. It shows up as distrust in leadership—our own and others’. It shows up as struggle with self-confidence, fear of stepping up, or not feeling safe in the world. Often, when we have conflict with the masculine or are disconnected from our purpose, our relationship with our father (or his absence) is at play. We must find a way to truly heal this.
And for many of us, this has meant going no contact. Cutting off a parent because they weren’t safe, because there was no way to be heard, because they refuse to take accountability or listen, or because we were the black sheep — the truth-teller who carried what no one else could bear to face. That choice can save us. And yet, on a soul level, the pain still lingers.
How exclusion hides itself
Exclusion doesn’t always look like a dramatic cut. It can be subtle—making one parent the “bad guy” and the other the victim. Over-identifying with one side. Never speaking about someone again. Skipping the grief. Bypassing the pain.
But the soul remembers.
And when we don’t truly process what’s missing or mourn what’s been lost, we often pass it down or act it out. Some do it through control. Others through collapse. And some, as I’ve seen time and time again in constellation work, through self-sabotage—consciously or unconsciously trying to atone for what they were not able to resolve with the people who gave them life.
The movement of “taking in”
This is where the concept of “taking in” becomes essential.
To “take in” doesn’t mean to condone. It doesn’t mean you must make contact, reconnect, or forgive the unforgivable. It means to accept that this person is part of your soul journey and your system. That they belong and have a place in your journey (even if it was a shitty one!). That your life came through them. That no matter how hard it is to see your Soul will gain something from this life path that will assist it to grow and evolve.
Taking in means acknowledging their place without resistance. Again, this is not about forgiving or bypassing trauma. Nothing to do with that. It’s a soul-level movement that says: “I see you. I take what you could give, even if all that was my life. And I leave the rest with you.”
This internal reordering begins to restore the natural flow of energy and love in your system. Because what we reject, we stay tied to including the pain, patterns and trauma connected to it. And what we include, we finally become free from.
Why this matters
Here’s the truth: until we take in what is, we can’t move forward and build something new. Healing doesn’t mean agreeing with what happened. It doesn’t mean pretending you haven’t experienced pain. Some of you may need some therapy work before you can get to the soul level movement. But eventually you will need to get here. It means finding your rightful place in the system as your parents’ child. No longer rejecting or idealising, but seeing with soul eyes. And saying: “Yes, this too belongs.”
Because only then can you truly receive love.
Only then can you stop pushing away the very things you crave: abundance, partnership, vitality, purpose.
This work isn’t about blame—it’s about truth. And truth, when met with love, sets you free.
Love,
Rebecca-Lee
Check out my Unlock Your Love Blocks® program here
