There are times when a relationship hits its lowest point. During these times, people wonder if the relationship can be saved. Since two people always get together at their common level of woundedness and energetic consciousness, here is what I say to the partner who has sought my help:
As long as you choose to remain in this relationship, there are things for you to learn. Each partner contributes to the energy of the relationship. While it is often easy to see what your partner is doing that is harmful to the relationship, it is often difficult to see what you are doing. Yet until you learn about your part in this relationship system, you will take your own dysfunctional behaviour with you into another relationship.
Unless you are experiencing physical or sexual abuse or severe emotional abuse, where it is important that you seek support and assistance, I do suggest that people try and see their own patterns and contributions that the relationships is trying to teach them before they decide to end the relationship. I understand that even then you may decide to leave, but at least do it consciously, seeing one hundred percent of your own patterns, triggers, responsibilities and shadow so you do not carry it with you to the next relationship.
The time to leave is when you have learned to make yourself happy regardless of what your mate is doing. When you learn to take 100% responsibility for your own feelings and needs, and if your partner is still behaving in ways that are unacceptable to you, then it ís time to leave. You need to discover how to respond to your partner in ways that are loving to yourself and that support your own joy and highest good.
If you have a partner who says they are willing and open to accept counselling and/or relationship coaching, one of two things will happen:
- Either the other partner likes what is happening and becomes more open as each of you become more responsible for your patterns and behaviours and committed to making the relationship work together; or
- The relationship becomes more distant and difficult; and perhaps you both see what you have to learn from each other, but it still feels like the best possible solution is to part ways. This is still a success! To part ways amicably and consciously both learning what you needed to see from each other. Some relationships are meant for just that; a learning in time and a preparation for something else in the future when done consciously.
When embarking on this journey I often suggest to let go of the outcome and just you’re your heart to what wants to be shown from both of you. Just be in the process and learning how to take loving care of yourself and observe yourself through the different processes.
Here is an example –
Craig is unhappy in his marriage because his wife, Jane, is often angry and judgmental toward him. Craig sees himself as the victim of Jane’s unloving behaviour, blaming her for his unhappiness. However, Craig is an equal part of the relationship system. He generally reacts to Jane’s anger with compliance, giving himself up in his covert attempt to control Jane’s anger. He believes that being a nice guy will control her feelings and behaviour. So, while Jane is attempting to overtly control Craig, Craig is attempting to covertly control Jane. Until Craig starts to speak his truth rather than give himself up as his form of control, he will feel resentful and distant with Jane. If he has the courage to take loving care of himself by speaking his total truth without blame or judgment, and take loving action for himself based on his truth, then either things will get better or they will get worse. The only way Craig will be able to be honest and take care of himself is if he is willing to lose Jane rather than continue to lose himself.
Can this relationship be helped?
Maybe. We need to do our own inner work first before we can determine what will happen with our current relationships.
We cannot expect things to change in our relationships by victimising ourselves by not speaking our truth. We work on this in the Unlock Your Love Blocks® program. Craig and Jane’s relationship is an example of a fifth chakra block which primarily involved dealing with some inner child work in order to feel we can speak our truth without withholding, blaming or manipulating or being plain out abusive. You can sign up at my website www.rebecca-lee.com
Soul Love
Rebecca-Lee
