Here are five major relationship killers you may want to avoid:
1. Controlling Behaviour
Most people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates various forms of controlling behaviour. Controlling behaviour falls into two major categories: overt control and covert control. Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as blaming anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule. Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked. Controlling behaviour always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid. Do you try to control situations and your partner? What is the underlying fear that is driving this? How you can you turn your fear into courage?
2. Resistance
Many people enter a relationship with a deep fear of losing themselves. The moment they experience their partner wanting control over them, they respond with resistance- withdrawal. When one partner is controlling and the other is resistant which
is really an attempt to have control over not being controlled – the relationship becomes immobilised. Partners in this relationship system feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful. Are you worried about losing yourself and losing control? What needs to happen inside of you so that you do not feel like you will lose control? How can you trust yourself more? Have you learnt the lessons from the past. Reflect on that and ask yourself why you felt you have lost yourself or control before and how can you change that pattern.
3. Neediness
Many people enter a relationship believing that it is their partner’s job to fill their emptiness, take away their loneliness, and make them feel good about themselves. When people have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and
needs, and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they need. Your partner’s job is not to complete you, but to compliment you. Do you need to fill yourself first?
4. Substance and Process Addictions
Most people who feel empty inside turn to addictions. While no one plans on becoming an addict (in any realm) it can happen. This usually creates an unhealthy environment and relationships can be very challenging when one or both partners have addiction problems that need to be dealt with first.
5. Eyes on Your Partner
Many people are acutely aware of what their partner is doing that is causing relationship problems, but completely unaware of what they are doing. We need to understand that any relationship is a co-creation. Just like there are always two sides to a story; two perspectives; two experiences; there are two people creating this story. You cannot change anyone, only yourself; your perspective or your situation. Too many people think the other person needs to change. Whilst in some instances this is true, we need to start looking at ourselves first. What is it that you are dissatisfied with? Are you seeking your partner to change to make you feel better? What if they can’t or that is just them? What are you going to do? Can you reach for a different perspective that brings peace and harmony, or can you do something different or even, do you need to be responsible to move yourself out of the situation all together? What is it that you need to be responsible for? It is not your job to fix your partner. You can only change yourself.
