The Couple Relationship and the Orders of Love

May 1, 2024 | News

The couple relationship gives us the opportunity to experience love outside our blood ties and families and can be one of the greatest sources of joy or pain in our lives. We begin a relationship with someone, we do not realise that energetically, our family system comes along with us. When a bond is created between two people then the two-family systems are coming together energetically and on a soul level. When we come together with someone is it not just about us, but our family systems. Behind us, our family systems are seeking to see something, integrate something, reconcile or healing something or compensate for something through our partner.

In family constellations, the basis for a lot of my soul work, we refer to the “orders of love’. They are universal, archaic laws that are unconsciously operating in us and our family systems. Understanding and applying the orders of love into our lives will increase your chances of creating fulfilling, connected relationships that most of us long for.

Our partner provides a mirror for us that brings to our awareness aspects of ourselves that are buried in the subconscious part of ourself. The wounded part of ourself that is ready to be seen for the first time and hopefully be understood and then healed.

It is important to know that each partner you have had was the right one for you at the time. We learn where we are at; at the level of consciousness, we are at and then hopefully we grow and evolve. That is the point of relationship, to see things about ourselves that need healing and to heal and grow.

If we leave relationships without seeing and taking responsibility for our part and integrating the lessons it brought us, what is unresolved will follow us into future relationships. Therefore, it is important to go through a process of unlocking and releasing unprocessed emotions, grieving the loss of what didn’t work out in the past, and working through any resentments and bitterness of any unfulfilled expectations. We also need to reflect on what part of ourselves has “come out” through each of our connections in order to see the parts of ourselves that are triggered (by what situations), and unhealed so we can do the inner work after each relationship and integrate these learnings so that don’t repeat late.

It is also important to look at any childhood wounding that is triggered in relationship and where, unconsciously, you may be looking for your partner to love you and give to you what your parents didn’t. This is crucial because our couple relationship dynamics is very different from our relationships with our parents. Ultimately, we don’t want to be seeking our mother’s or father’s in our relationships, yet, many people with an unhealed inner child are. This causes many problems in couple relationships.

Here are some guidelines to consider in relation to the “orders of love’ in respect to your exes and your partner’s exes. This will help you become more fully present, evolved and conscious in your current relationship or your future relationship. If you are a parent, doing this work will free your children from the burden of lessons that have not been learnt and integrated by those that came before them.

The Orders of Love regarding our previous partners:

  • Acknowledge that your former partner was the right one for you at the time just as they were;
  • Take responsibility for you part in what happened in the relationship;
  • Thank your ex-partner (can do on a soul level) for what was good in the relationship and give them a place in your heart;
  • Go beneath the anger and blame in order to face and process the underlying pain and loss of the relationship
  • Do not discuss intimate details about them with your current partner;
  • Do not criticise your ex to your current partner (your current partner my secretly feel that you would do the same to them)
  • For those with children, know that your ex is present in the children that you had together and love that part of your child. No matter how your child thinks about your ex; you must love all of them or they will grow to feel torn about themselves and who they are;
  • Allow your children to embrace their other parent, no matter what took place between you; telling them that what happened with us, the parents, stays with us.
  • Wish your ex well in their life (you can do this on a soul level)

When it comes to your current partners’ ex:

  • Cultivate an inner attitude of gratitude towards your partners’ previous partners for not only helping your partner to get where they are today, but for making space so that you can now come together with your partner;
  • Respect the intimacy and privacy your partner had with their ex and do not ask intimate questions about them out of insecurity, curiosity or for comparison.
  • If they have children together, acknowledge that they came first into your partners life and give your partner the time and space they need for their children and their parents when needed or requested;
  • Take your place amongst your partner’s partners with respect and dignity, even if you were not your partners first lover.
  • Do not compare yourself to your partners ex nor ever feel like you need to compete with them.


  1. Put a piece of paper on the floor to represent you and stand on it;
  2. Place a piece of paper to your former partner in front of you;
  3. Take a moment and stand on your paper and notice what comes up for you whilst you look at him or her;
  4. Step onto the floor and go to your previous partners piece of paper. Stand on it. Notice what comes up for you when you stand in their shoes.
  5. Stand on the floor once again and then go back and stand on your piece of paper and look at your ex. What comes up?


When you are ready, you may want to say the following statement to them out loud:

“Thank you for what you brought into my life. I will keep what was good in my heart and from what I complain about, I will look within to learn more about myself and grow, rather than blaming you. I take full responsibility for what I brought to the relationship and I leave what is yours with you. I give you and the love we shared a special place in my heart and in our children. I wish you well in life’.

Journal what came up for you.

If you wish to do more of this type of healing in your life, consider joining Rebecca-Lee in the Unlock Your Love Blocks® journey at

Soul Hug


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