When people are told that they need to communicate more they often think that that is an open invitation to talk more. However, there is a difference between talking and communicating. Communicating is an art of combining the ability to express your opinions and feelings in such a way as to ensure that the person or people you are talking to understand what you are trying to say with the ability to listen and understand another person’s point of view. We also need to take responsibility for the way we communicate including any flaws we have in expression
Over the years it’s amazing the number of times people are provided with information that, if they acted upon, could totally alter a relationship, career or the success of a business. Unfortunately, many people are not really listening in a way where they can think through another person’s point of view and are more worried and concerned about their response. Unique opportunities to learn more about a subject or even our loved ones can pass us by when we don’t truly know how to communicate on a high level.
I see so many relationships that are in tatters and often purely because of an inability to communicate. I never cease to be surprised at how little communication skills a relationship is barely surviving on. The most successful relationships, be it business or personnel are those whereby both parties have strong verbal and listening skills. Many relationship problems begin with poor communication. Couples often feel that their partner should know what they are thinking and how they feel so they do not communicate and then wonder why they feel neglected and under-valued, or not having their needs met.
How many people decide not to tell their partner something just because they don’t know how to say it and then the problem just eats away at the relationship until there is no relationship left? It always saddens me that two people can let what could have been a great relationship waste away because they don’t have the ability to communicate or the willingness to go and learn how to communicate more effectively.
Even the ability to share a problem can make what seemed to be an insurmountable issue a tiny little blip on a large horizon.
I encourage all of you, wherever you are at in your relationship status to think about how good of a communicator you are. If you feel this could be improved, seek some training. If you and your partner are not speaking to each other about the hard topics or the beautiful ones such as your love and respect for each other, or even what your daily plans are, seek some communication help!
Whenever you feel stressed or don’t know what to do don’t just bottle it up, talk about it, seek advice and listen to the answer. See a coach for a while who can hold the space for you both to improve these skills with each other and guide you how you can communicate effectively with each other. Don’t keep quiet when you know in your heart a problem has to be aired and don’t put off until tomorrow what has to be sorted today. Tomorrow never comes!! Don’t regret not ever letting your partner know how much you appreciated them and respected them.
Also note, that it is not just about saying what you need to say, it is how you say something that can make or break a relationship. The wrong way is just to blurt out something that you know will aggravate or distress your partner. The last thing you want is for them to get defensive, storm off or burst into floods of tears. You want the person you are trying to communicate with to be open and perceptive and in order to be able to achieve this, your timing and approach has to be right. It is so important that each partner learns how to best communicate with each other.
Every individual is different. What will work with one person won’t necessarily work with another. Given people’s individuality you need to learn what is the right approach for you and your partner. Make sure that you never start a discussion if you don’t have time to finish it, don’t insist on a debate when one of you is off to work, dealing with the kids or just relaxing to unwind. If the timing seems to be never right, ask the question when would it be a good time for us to just sit down and talk? Whatever you do, do not let yourself appear agitated either in what you say or how you say it. Body language can just as easily put your partner on the defensive as what you say to them. Even if your partner is vying for a fight, just don’t react. Remember, the first golden rule, approaching defensive with defensive is a sure way to failure. Someone has to keep their shit together and lead you both into open discussion. Hopefully you will get to a point where you both can take turns at being that person.
One of the key ways to improve communication is to develop strong listening skills. Couples often fail to listen to what their partner has to say, interrupt and give the impression that no matter what is said they won’t change their mind. One trick to ensure that you have listened and you do understand is to repeat what you have heard. This will demonstrate that you have listened to what was said and by repeating it back you have the opportunity to comprehend and understand.
How often do we try to work through a problem and it’s only at the point we are explaining the issue to someone else does the magic light bulb switch on which enables us to come up with the answer. Reflecting back what the other person is saying is great for both of you to deepen understanding. We have to work at it and work at it hard. But it is worth it. Before too long it will become second nature and you will have lifted your capacity for communicating and the overall intimacy and vibrational frequency of your relationship.
No one ever said partnership would be easy, it’s just another lesson we have to learn as we experience life but if you want to save your marriage and make it even more special than it was before, communication is your key. Relationship problems can lay heavy on your mind, become a burden and what was originally a small issue can develop into an insurmountable mountain when there is no communication or a lack of skill in communicating.
If you begin to feel that marital issues are beginning to weigh heavily on your mind, take a break and do something you enjoy and preferably with your partner. If you can refocus your attention on the better things in life, day to day issues always seem that much smaller. Spending a little time together and enjoying each other’s company could enable you and your partner to recapture some of the feelings that have been lost through constant arguing and help you regain a positive perspective on your relationship.
Soul Love
Rebecca-Lee
