Many of the issues that tear relationships apart are not actual deal-breakers. Rather, many (but not all!) divorces and breakups are the result of one or both partner’s unwillingness to learn from the conflicts that exist in all primary relationships. The capacity to work through things and see what the triggers and patterns are can be something that everyone can learn.
But some conflicts and differences are actual deal-breakers. Here are some of the main differences that I come across that are a non-negotiable for many people in relationship.
- Having Children: Mary and Cal met when Mary was 38 and Cal was 47. Cal had been married before and had two adult children, while Mary had never been married. Cal made it very clear to Mary that he did not, under any circumstances, want more children. Mary seemed to accept this, but secretly hoped to change Cal’s mind once they were married. A year after they were married, Mary brought up the issue of having children. Cal was pissed off. Mary begged and pleaded, hoping Cal’s love for her would soften his position. But he stayed committed to his decision not to have any more children and like he had already explained previously he had some very deep reasons for not wanting any more children.
This situation had a very sad ending. Mary was devastated. She loved Cal, but having children was actually extremely important to her. She didn’t want to leave him and she couldn’t let go of wanting a child. Mary had to decide what was more important- Cal or having children. This whole situation could have been avoided if Mary had accepted and respected Cal’s honesty and reasons from the start to avoid setting them both up for this heart-breaking situation. - Work: Rhonda and Brett fell in love in their late 30s. Each had jobs that they loved and that were very important to them. Fred was a high-level exec of a very large company, while Rhonda had a flourishing practice as a Pediatrician. They both lived in LA. All seemed fine until an incredible opportunity opened up for Fred; one that he had always dreamed of. The problem was that it meant moving to New York.
Fred’s work became a deal-breaker. Some people can commute and maintain a relationship with distance, but this was not realistic for Rhonda and Fred, since they both wanted to have children and started a family one day soon. They realized that if either of them gave up the work they loved, they would feel very resentful. Fred’s desire for his promotion was a higher value to him then having the family at that stage of his life. Unable to compromise they ended the relationship unfortunately.
Even though they loved each other, they recognized that their relationship would soon erode if one of them gave themselves up. Values have a strong impact on our relationships and we are living by them, compromising or sacrificing them for the long or short term (which can cause greater problems if for the long term). - Betrayal: Dishonesty and infidelity will mostly be deal-breakers in relationships (either immediately or in the long term), depending upon the situation. Some people can learn from and grow through these difficult situations, while for others the wound is too deep to repair.
Most conflicts are really about communication and control issues that can be resolved when both people are willing to learn. But some conflicts are true deal-breakers. What have been your deal breakers?
Soul Love
Rebecca-Lee
