Steve (name changed) came to see me for a private session to discuss and work through some challenges he was having in his marriage. Whilst he loved his wife very much, he found it difficult to express his feelings to her and tell her that he loved her. His wife had become distraught about it and was feeling neglected and unloved and was questioning their marriage to each other. He couldn’t quite understand why he was in this position and what was happening within himself.
When it comes to couples, I always like to start with a family constellation particular around my client’s parents to see what is happening. Our family systems can give the most insight into what is happening within and around us, particularly in relationships.
Almost immediately I could see in Steve’s constellation that he had a difficult journey with his parents and was entangled with their unresolved issues. A healthy family constellation would have shown his parents connected with each other and taking their place as the big ones and Steve’s parents.
However, his mum was not looking at his father and the father was also looking away from Steve’s mum far off into the distance. Steve was looking at his mother but his mother was not looking at him. This was very sad for Steve. Even as grown adults we still need to make things right in the system and everyone must have their place.
Steve’s Mum was not available as a Mother to her son because as it turns out she was looking at her own dead mother who passed over when she was a child. When there is unprocessed trauma in the family system it moves along through the generations until someone is ready to heal it.
I could see that Steve’s Dad also had a difficult relationship with both of his parents’, who suffered with a lot of financial problems throughout Steve’s Dad’s life.
When I asked Steve to tell me what his feelings were when he first looked at his Mum, he said that he felt numb and didn’t feel much at all. As we worked through a few healing sentences he became aware of anger that he felt towards his mother. As we progressed, he then got in touch with a deep level of sadness he felt and the longing he had to be loved and connected with his mother. As we progressed further into the constellation, he was able to acknowledge the deep sadness and struggle his mother bore as a result of the trauma from losing her mother at such a young age. He was able to acknowledge her struggle and also thanked her for doing the best she could whilst bearing this emotional pain.
In this moment the blocks between Steve and his mother disappeared and for the first time she was able to see him, and he was seen by his Mother. This has a very deep healing affect as they both recognised each other’s position. In the constellation we were able to help Steve’s Mum find peace with losing her Mum so she could then take her place as Steve’s Mum. This is what we refer to as the “Orders of Love”. Everyone must take their place on a Soul level. In family constellations we work on a Soul level holding a space for movements of the soul.
With this soul movement and his Mother standing behind him as his Mother, supporting him, Steve was then able to look at his Father and his paternal grandparents and express how much he missed his Father. His Dad was present in his life but he was emotionally unavailable and he never really felt like he connected or bonded with his Dad on any deep level. He didn’t realise how much he was sad and missing his Dad until that moment in the constellation where he could come into contact with his real feelings. Steve could also see his Dad’s emotional struggles and how this had been a pattern for several generations where survival had been more important than anyone’s feelings.
As we progressed through the constellation Steve was able to “hand back” the emotional burdens, numbness, disconnection and the inability to express emotions to his parents and Ancestors. He recognised that his point of breaking chains was being aware of the patterns and coping mechanisms, and their reasons, and be able to consciously now make changes. He could do this because he felt a deep compassion, love and respect for his parents and his family.
When we dealt with this for Steve, we could then turn his attention to his wife. When he did, he felt different. He no longer felt numb or an inability to express what he felt. He had an urge to let her know how much he loved her and that he would now be conscious of and work through his feelings.
This is the work I do through Unlock Your Love Blocks® using Family Constellations as one of my tools. This session was enough for Steve and his wife to open up a new chapter in their relationship and reach for deeper levels of intimacy.
If you would like to join me on the Unlock Your Love Blocks® program where you will get plenty of opportunity to explore your Soul and your family system through Family Constellation then you can sign up at rebecca-lee.com
Soul Love
Rebecca-Lee
